From Mother on 7/22/10

I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.  POLYCISTIC KIDNEY DISEASE IS CALLED THE SILENT KILLER.  BUT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE "A GOOD DEATH"  A WEEK IN A COMA, AND THEN YOU'RE GONE.  I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH MY DOC TILL SEPTEMBER, SO I WON'T KNOW MORE TILL THEN, UNLESS I GET IT OFF THE INTERNET.

 

UNFORTUNATELY, AIMEE HAS IT, TOO.  HOWEVER SHE IS YOUNG ENOUGH TO GET A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT.  MAYBE ALEX WILL GIVE HER ONE OF HIS.  BUT RIGHT NOW, THEY BOTH WANT TO START TO SCHOOL.  SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO HAVE DYALISIS, AND NEITHER DO I.

 

I'M HAPPY FOR JOANNA AND DANNY.  ARE THEY HOPING FOR A GIRL THIS TIME?  JIM AND BRONWEN DON'T CARE, AND THEY NEVER FIND OUT IN ADVANCE.

 

TODAY DICK AND I WENT TO DALLAS TO THE MUSEUM OF ART, THEN TO THE IMAX THEATER TO SEE A FILM ON ALASKA, AND TOPPED OFF THE DAY WITH A DINNER OF FRIEDF SHRIMP AT JOE'S CRAB SHACK.  THAT IS OUR VACATION FOR THIS YEAR.

My understanding of evil

Dennis is a man who continually chooses the dark side. As a result, he is decaying from the inside out. His spirit, his soul are like rotten fruit. The rot deep inside gradually spreads to the outside and manifests itself as sickness, decay, illness, death. People call it many things: perversion, neurosis, psychosis, pathology, but the core problem is evil.

I felt this as a young woman but didn't have the experience or the words to articulate it. My ability to discern evil has been a blessing and a curse in my adult life. A curse because it means I'm sensitive to the thin veil between the physical and the spiritual worlds. The evil spirits are a part of that spiritual world and are very much with us. It is dangerous to seek them out; they will all too often sneak into our world. It is our responsibility to send them back where they belong. This is a life of goodness and light and love, and they have no place here.

I don't understand why anyone would choose the dark. Perhaps because they are lazy and won't accept the responsibility that comes with goodness. I don't know. What I do know is that those of us who are aware, conscious and can "see" the two worlds have a responsibility to speak the truth with no reservation or regard for our own reputations. People who yearn for the truth will recognize it when they hear it. It will resonate throughout their bodies and souls and they will feel the peace that comes with the light. Those are the people to keep close to your heart.

The people with rot and decay in their souls, those who repeatedly choose the darkness are always welcome into the light but most often choose to stay where they are. All we can do for them is to pray for their eternal souls.

She made me do it, he says.

This afternoon I sat in the dining room at the nursing home in Kingsland, TX, with my father. His name is Dennis, and he is dying of MS and melanoma. I came here hoping for reconciliation and to say good-bye.

The business manager at the home is a kind-hearted woman named Dorthy (yes, that's how it's spelled). She adores him and loves to sit and discuss books with him. Yesterday she told me she hopes this visit will "heal my heart." She was referring to me and my heart. Her experience of Dennis is very different from mine.

I will leave town tomorrow relieved that I have done my duty as his responsible party. I have tried to be a loving daughter and enjoy his company this one last time. However, the reality is that my only sadness is that he repeatedly ruins our relationship. I'm very sad about what we could have had but didn't.

In an earlier blog post entitled "The Good Parent" I spoke about my father's sexual addiction. Now I will give you his version. I had my notebook with me and wrote down exactly what he said. These are his words, not mine:

I've changed since the last time you saw me. I'm a different man now.

I studied religion to become a minister. I studied science and became an expert on UFOs. I'm knowledgeable about the Bermuda Triangle. That's my passion. UFOs.

(Referring to Mother) Everything I wanted to do, she'd do it but then she'd stop. When I wanted to be around children. Then when I wanted to become a minister...It's hard to believe.

Then I wanted to go to college even though my parents couldn't afford it. I asked your mother, your grandmother but they wouldn't listen to it. It was 1954; they didn't have scholarships. And she wanted to go instead of me. She got pregnant with you.

I didn't want to lead the life that she wanted. The number of sexual partners that she had. I didn't want to lead that life. I didn't want to do that."

The problem is all that pornography that was in his office, all the sex talk with me, the abuse I don't talk about. She was never in the room. It was just him and me - Daddy's Girl. So, I will drive back over there tomorrow and collect some paperwork regarding his end-of-life business, say goodbye to him and walk out the door and never see him again. I hope.

P.S. He was jealous of my first husband, and now he's jealous of the new man in my life. How's that for a kicker. Sonofabitch.

Dirty Old Men

In real life, dirty old men are neither cute nor charming. I'll write more about this later, but now I'm going to dinner on the lake in Marble Falls.

Mother Update from Dick

WE WENT TO SEE JAN'S KIDNEY DOCTOR YESTERDAY. JAN WAS RELUCTANT TO GO. THE DOCTOR TOLD US THAT THE PROSPECT OF DIALYSIS IS NOT IN THE CARDS FOR THE IMEDIATE FUTURE. HER KIDNEY FUCNTION IS AT 20%. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT HOW FAST THE KIDNEYS WILL DECLINE, BUT IT WILL TAKE MONTHS, PERHAPS EVEN YEARS WITH WITH DIET AND PRAYER BEFORE DIALYSIS IS REQUIRED. DIALYSIS IS PRESCRIBED BELOW 15% KIDNEY FUNCTION. WE FELT SO MUCH BETTER AFTER HE MADE THAT CLEAR.


I AM STILL CONCERNED ABOUT THE OTHER SYMPTOMS OF POSSIBLE STROKE THAT HAS LEFT HER CONFUSED AND UNSTEADY ON HER FEET. BUT IT SEEMS SHE IS GETTING BETTER.