From Mother on 7/22/10

I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.  POLYCISTIC KIDNEY DISEASE IS CALLED THE SILENT KILLER.  BUT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE "A GOOD DEATH"  A WEEK IN A COMA, AND THEN YOU'RE GONE.  I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH MY DOC TILL SEPTEMBER, SO I WON'T KNOW MORE TILL THEN, UNLESS I GET IT OFF THE INTERNET.

 

UNFORTUNATELY, AIMEE HAS IT, TOO.  HOWEVER SHE IS YOUNG ENOUGH TO GET A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT.  MAYBE ALEX WILL GIVE HER ONE OF HIS.  BUT RIGHT NOW, THEY BOTH WANT TO START TO SCHOOL.  SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO HAVE DYALISIS, AND NEITHER DO I.

 

I'M HAPPY FOR JOANNA AND DANNY.  ARE THEY HOPING FOR A GIRL THIS TIME?  JIM AND BRONWEN DON'T CARE, AND THEY NEVER FIND OUT IN ADVANCE.

 

TODAY DICK AND I WENT TO DALLAS TO THE MUSEUM OF ART, THEN TO THE IMAX THEATER TO SEE A FILM ON ALASKA, AND TOPPED OFF THE DAY WITH A DINNER OF FRIEDF SHRIMP AT JOE'S CRAB SHACK.  THAT IS OUR VACATION FOR THIS YEAR.

She made me do it, he says.

This afternoon I sat in the dining room at the nursing home in Kingsland, TX, with my father. His name is Dennis, and he is dying of MS and melanoma. I came here hoping for reconciliation and to say good-bye.

The business manager at the home is a kind-hearted woman named Dorthy (yes, that's how it's spelled). She adores him and loves to sit and discuss books with him. Yesterday she told me she hopes this visit will "heal my heart." She was referring to me and my heart. Her experience of Dennis is very different from mine.

I will leave town tomorrow relieved that I have done my duty as his responsible party. I have tried to be a loving daughter and enjoy his company this one last time. However, the reality is that my only sadness is that he repeatedly ruins our relationship. I'm very sad about what we could have had but didn't.

In an earlier blog post entitled "The Good Parent" I spoke about my father's sexual addiction. Now I will give you his version. I had my notebook with me and wrote down exactly what he said. These are his words, not mine:

I've changed since the last time you saw me. I'm a different man now.

I studied religion to become a minister. I studied science and became an expert on UFOs. I'm knowledgeable about the Bermuda Triangle. That's my passion. UFOs.

(Referring to Mother) Everything I wanted to do, she'd do it but then she'd stop. When I wanted to be around children. Then when I wanted to become a minister...It's hard to believe.

Then I wanted to go to college even though my parents couldn't afford it. I asked your mother, your grandmother but they wouldn't listen to it. It was 1954; they didn't have scholarships. And she wanted to go instead of me. She got pregnant with you.

I didn't want to lead the life that she wanted. The number of sexual partners that she had. I didn't want to lead that life. I didn't want to do that."

The problem is all that pornography that was in his office, all the sex talk with me, the abuse I don't talk about. She was never in the room. It was just him and me - Daddy's Girl. So, I will drive back over there tomorrow and collect some paperwork regarding his end-of-life business, say goodbye to him and walk out the door and never see him again. I hope.

P.S. He was jealous of my first husband, and now he's jealous of the new man in my life. How's that for a kicker. Sonofabitch.